Mom -
There’s just so much that you don’t know. How do I explain this all to you? What must be going through your mind? Do you blame yourself? How do I make everything ok for you?
I’m going to do my best to put words to things that no one else will. I’ve started this blog for you, to try and show you what goes on inside my mind. To open the door, for you to places that I’ve been, and help you understand that I may be gone, but that is not a bad thing.
Trying to convince you to look outside yourself is not going to be easy. But I’m going to try. First of all, I’m sorry that I hurt you. The best I can do is to tell you why.
The only thing more important than love, is timing.
So much has changed… and so recently, too. The unexplainable things. The things that words can’t describe. The reasons I believe. The things that I know, and the things that I’ve seen… that I’m going to do my best to detail for you here, are going to make schizophrenia look like child's play in comparison to the level of crazy that is about to pour out of my mouth. None of it is going to make sense to you.
But it doesn’t have to. That’s not the point. I want you to be able to sleep at night, after losing your son to suicide. I don’t want you to blame yourself, and I don’t want you to hate me for what I’ve done. I want you to live your best life, and know that we will meet again on the other side; to look forward to that day, when things will be better. And when that day comes, you will understand all of the things that I’m going to talk about here, and you will know that I’m not crazy. You will know how much important work I have to do, and you will understand that this decision wasn’t about you, and that there are much larger than life reasons for leaving you. That some things are more important than my life, on this earth.
There's just so much to say. It's very difficult for me to connect with you on an emotional level. It always has been, and I don't know if that's more about me, or just us. We've never had that kind of relationship before; we were never given the chance. That kind of close relationship is something that was stolen from us, many years ago. Your brain tumor saw pretty well to that, when I was young. But you're always telling me how much you think I'm a writer, and so I wrote this for you, to show you how much I love you.