"Eyes are only one window to the soul."
Table of Contents
Some people punch walls. Some people fix cars. I write poetry.
Dead Batteries
Bequeathed comfortably
Numb, ironic
Stabbing pain
Replaces all
Paralyzed still,
Anesthesia fails
Silently screaming -
Awake during surgery
Moonlit Drowning
In the ocean I swam
You’re avoidant again
I pass the test but
Deny the satisfaction
My rocks refuse
To be smoothed
By the relentless
Rage of ocean waves
Intemperance spent
Underwater swallows souls
I will not live
Without life
Teacher, Teacher
I’m just not gettin’
It, the message
Just isn’t settlin’
In, just tell me
I hate this game
I’m done guessin’
I quit, every day
Is the same old
Bullshit, and today I’m
Growing tired of it
My mind is an
Emotionless pit
All feelings locked
And boxed away
Shoved in a closet
To be sorted
Through someday
But not one more
Piece of your shit
Is going to fit
Good luck making it
Stay shut when your
Look up from packing you
Slutty pain away when
The day comes and
The train catches up
To you because
I’m about to make
It rain paper,
Thanks to this
Newfound imagination,
Sparked by your vindication
Between triangles and
Emotional volcanoes
I have enough ammo to
Blow more minds than
Cocks have been inside
Your dirty clown whore
Mouth, with nothing
But a pad and a pen
Fuck my reputation
You can have all of those
Old fake, and dusty friends
Dead weight, only in my way
I don't
I don’t want to feel alive
I don’t want to “communicate”
I don’t want strangers to know things about my life
I don’t want them to know who I am
I don’t want them to know I exist
I don’t know what homeless means, anymore
But I know I don’t want to think about it
I don’t want to be on tv
I don’t want to be in movies
I definitely don’t want to find myself in these things
I don’t want to drive
I don’t want to sleep
I don’t want to dream
I don’t want to need a team
I don’t want a house
I don’t want a place to live
I don’t want to make phone calls
I don’t want daily blowjobs
I don’t want to medicate
I don’t want to wear a mask
I refuse to wear one
And I don’t want anyone else to, either
I don’t even want to know they exist
I don’t want them to exist
I still don’t understand covid
And I don’t want to
I don’t want to think about things like babies, and babysitters
I don’t want to think about the cops, or robbers
Or rapists and murderers
I don’t want to watch the news
Or hear it, or talk about it
Or even hear about it
And I definitely don’t want to think about politics
I don’t care about being some veteran of war
I don’t fucking understand why there even is a war
I don’t have space in my brain, for this shit
And I don’t understand how anyone else does
I don’t understand how privacy doesn’t exist
I don’t give a shit about being fearless
I don’t know why anyone else does
I definitely don’t understand why the world just beats you, for no reason
And I never will
I don’t understand why people blindly follow this ungodly strange ritual
Never questioning the nature of their reality
I don’t understand why people seem to think this is ok
Randomly cruel, for the sake of cruelty
It’s beyond archaic, arbitrary and retarded
Performed by brainwashed zombies
Why on God’s green earth is this supposed to be some kind of normal?
Are you fucking kidding me?
I don’t want to walk into a room, and have anyone recognize me
Or know anything about me, unless I want them to
I do not want to be seen at all
I do not want attention, from anyone, ever
Unless it is invited
And I definitely do not want them to start talking about me
As if they know me, though we’ve never met
And yet somehow I know nothing about them
I always know absolutely nothing, about them
Completely one-sided interactions
Me, against the world
Of informed strangers, armed with nothing
I do not want to live in a world like this
And I don’t understand why anyone else does.
The Script
Who writes it? Where does it come from?
How is it distributed instantly, with Amazon Prime precision?
Materialized out of the mysterious ether of interconnectedness,
Faster than the internet, and all of the technology that we possess today
In camouflaged practice for decades prior to its existence
Yet, on hold with each passing stranger
As if buried in darkness, waiting for its queue to reveal itself
Every person you meet has been briefed
With details Facebook cannot provide,
Presumably from another stranger whom you have also never met
Shattering, and disgracefully obliterating the nature of intimacy
Shaming privacy like it’s fat cousin
As if this is to be expected
As if this fact of life must be mindlessly accepted
That there is a script. That you are nothing but an actor in a movie, or tv show
Defining your very existence as a mere fraud for hire
Publicly.
Yet the real actors have the privilege of reading their writer’s work before accepting the job,
Begging the question of who is in control.
Pulling your strings.
Writing your narrative, to perform as the vacuous slave that you are
I am confused as to whether this process is mistaken as leadership
With its inherent headaches dismissed as mere hurdles of progress
While the content and efficacy of your life is determined by someone unknown
Your path, lighted by look-a-likes and imposters
Attempting to recreate someone else’s original
With their own unique spice.
But though their nuance is for sale, why are you buying?
Another anchor among the sea of smoke,
A generic amidst the pharmacy.
Is it desperation? Or have you ever even had a choice?
This fate determined for you, by whomever writes your script.
Ignorance may be bliss, but I want to know who is wearing God’s shoes.
Lucy
I don’t know why
You think I’m scared
To go there, again
With you or ever walk
Through that door you
Keep leaving open
Where do you think I’ve been
Since you left?
Do you smell my cologne,
Behind your coattails?
Do you see my face,
Under your eyelids at night?
Has the perfect harmony
Of the disparate world
You have created, been
Shattered by my passions, yet?
We’ve been here before
And once was enough for me
It breaks my heart
That you can’t see
Just how far away from you,
And how fast I ran
Because it means
You accept what you’ve done to me
I bleed to know why
You would ever return
To a place so cold
Again, and again
I can’t conceive
Life among this misery
That appears to be your home
A single glance was enough for me
I never saw this coming
From the queen of self respect
Every tear I have shed
Is for how I pity you
And after all of these years
You invite me to stay?
You insult me
By mistaking my silence for absence
The Worth of a Lie
Behind each door, destined
Are merely more
Neglected questions,
Mocking memories
And haunting reflections.
Luxurious silk sheets
Now crawl with roaches
As misconceptions and
Missed perceptions burn
What was once
A sweet taste
Now replaced
With salt and blood
Conjured quicksand
Swallows sight
Of futures once
Beneath our feet,
Where hope and happiness used to be
If left alone,
Sleeping dogs cannot lie
Buying time to
Salvage cherished memories.
Winter
Cold, distant and aloof
Is the energy I emanate
Emotionally drained
Against my will
Paying the price
Of my gift
Puzzled faces assume
The worst of a
Fogged mirror
Unhinged focus is
Often misconstrued
As egotistical
Self indulgence;
An unfortunate toll
Of salt in the wound
For where self-center
Would be found,
Reality reveals
No center at all
Consumed by
Puzzled faces.
In its place lies the
Exhausting high ground
Where all mirrors
Are born stuck
Reserves exposed
Free for the taking
Self-preservation
Does not exist
Engulfed only in the
Reality of others
Fogged or broken
Is no excuse
This mirror knows nothing else
Over, and Over again
You miss the train
Too blind, preoccupied
Signaling for war
As I stand in the rain,
Left wishing for more
I left the door open,
Hoping for a spark
Manipulations, instead
Scream through the dark
Candlelight ignites my trail
Of breadcrumbs, left to stale
I’m marching on, seeking
Sutures for my heart
I move left,
You stay right
Wrong to assure me
We are alike
Doubt
It appears if we work for anchors
To remember. To hold us down,
And chain our minds so they don’t float away, pleasant or not
Among clouds of smoke that exist only to abuse you.
What else would they be for?
What other purpose does confusion serve?
Hiding, in the background lurks secrets
Just beyond the veil, as primitive minds fight for power over others
It is power for the sake of power, for fame, attention and what is ironically confused as love
Philanthropy is the market for love, and yet we buy cars and trucks and toys
We place values with a dollar sign next to them on human lives
Or, at least, pieces of them.
Pieces of their time, their affection, and their bodies
Do we honestly believe that we can “buy” a piece of their soul?
Intimacy can only be won. Neither power, nor money can buy it
Empty treasures produce empty pleasures, and I’ve seen where that road ends.
So why is it that every sign points in that direction?
Right from the start. Does anyone ever question?
What if your entire life wasted away, before your eyes
Simply from a case of bad directions?
Floods of egotistical self indulgence keep us distracted
As all that matters is stolen, or desecrated behind the scenes
We are told to play
To play pretend. To pretend that this isn’t happening, just beyond the veil
We are told to fight, that the truth of your misfortune is some demon that plagues you
That you need strength, and blind courage to succeed -
In what, exactly?
What if?
What if the hero myth of society is but a cancer?
What if bad directions must be exorcized from the body,
Burned, dissolved and eradicated by chemical poison?
What if playing pretend is feeding the parasite living inside us?
Wouldn’t you want to murder the person who told you to play
For stealing your life? Your time, energy and investment lost
Trash is all you have to show for the lines on your face
And the years you cannot get back
Can anyone honestly say
That this is not abuse?
Why do I need anchors?
Right. Because of the smoke. But why is there smoke?
Breadcrumbs and Big Guns
Over, and over again
You miss the train
As I crack the window,
Leaving the station
And dropping breadcrumbs
In my wake.
Reduced to this,
Forced to live
In a useless warzone
That doesn’t need to exist
You make triangles
While I die inside
Digesting your questions
Black, too scared to ask
It’s your own insecurities
That are killing me
The Lonely and the Tramp
Torn between the sheets,
And potential versions of me
Tortured and free,
In waves and
The odd twinge
Of unchained misery
Light as a feather -
A vagrant, meandering
In the breeze
Until night falls,
Shining light behind
Bare and lonely
Stone walls
Crushed by the weight
Of the very dirt
Upon which, my
Congenial pain
Will sprout the
Opportunistic wings
Taunting me with
Future memories.
Last Night
Last night I saw your face
Numb to all of the pain...
God, you’re so fucking vain -
You weren’t always this way
What happened to you, love?
What happened to our love
Or should I say your creation
Because none of this was my makin’
It was always you,
Behind the wheel
Watching as I
Chased your heels...
I thought about it today -
What’s changed?
Since you left,
I’m not the same
If I’m honest, I don’t
Wanna talk about it,
Things are worse now
Than they were before
I’ve got big plans
But nothing more
To show for what
You gave to me,
Save for a major
List of failures and
I’m drowning in opportunity
That I keep wastin’ away,
I’ve pushed everyone away
That you didn’t take
In the break-up and
I can’t even count the
Amount of people I’ve let down
I never cared about
Makin’ anyone proud,
I still don’t know how
And everyone I know
Thinks I’m crazy
For even still
Thinking about you,
But I can’t help it -
It feels like I’m
Stuck in purgatory,
Caged by things like
Fake pregnancy
And arbitrarily bound
By drugs and society,
Masked in “class” and
Everyday I’m sad,
Offered and sold
On things I don’t want
By people that don’t matter
Where are all of the
People that matter?
Kids, money and cake
Is all I see on
Everyone else’s plate
I miss the old days
When my life had a purpose,
Before you ripped us
Apart, stomped on my heart -
You took everything..
My wallet, my business,
My credit, the house,
Even my family and friends
When you sold that Benz
All I do is work
And sleep,
Getting nowhere but
Rolling in the deep and
Once again, I’m
Lookin for happiness
And a sweet release
From the bottom
Of a bottle
It’s a false escape
But isn’t it normal to
Want to numb yourself
When you’re in pain?
Every day the more
I learn, the less
I know and the
More jealous I grow
I don’t care who
Your boo is,
That’s not what I want,
I’m jealous of you and
I’m jealous of all the kids
With better parents, and
Heads full of knowledge,
From countless colleges
And years of experience
With things I can’t
Even conceive,
Endlessly deceived
By people and
My own mind,
Things like clowns
Pounding mirrors, and
Blowing smoke up
To nowhere fast,
And I’m runnin’
Out of gas to
Remain patient,
Caught up and played
By systems in
Such disarray
That I hate,
So full of disdain
At the way
I’m the only one
With nothing to gain
Innocence Lost
Heart shattered,
Shards scattered
Pieces missing,
Innocence lost.
Infallible numbness
Unhinged focus
Anger, caged -
Revenge based.
Soul searching,
Heart shaped.
Naked touch;
Spark, dull.
Depressive habits -
Self destructive.
Inspiration found:
Again, let down.
Void returned;
Comforts murmured
Disingenuine desires,
Innocence lost.
Mirrors
Don’t touch my mirrors
I make them for you
Pieces of me,
Dead if I lose
They take the pain away
And when they break
All of the old
Pain gets erased
I’ve done this before
A master of glass
Nearly thirty years
Experience, dreaming
Of building you
A castle
Worthy of its queen
But the price I pay
Is remembering
Whether or not
You think I’m
Good enough
Beauty and the Creep
Breathing fire like
The dragon lying
Under your bed
I just woke up
To make you throw up
All that caked-up
Makeup that’s got you
All slutted up with lies -
Drowning blind in your
Sea of Daddy issues,
Piling higher than
The Eiffel Tower
Pounding you from
Either side of
The candle that you
Burn from both ends
To no end
Only to end
Up, empty inside
Holding up a sign
And an empty cup
Begging on the streets
For the ounce of understanding
And spare change you never found -
Between the sheets.
Stefannie True
Stef, can you hear me?
Feel my heart beating
I yearn for your touch,
I'm craving your love
Sunkissed skin, like heroin
Drowning in wistful desire
For your orange hair,
And happy accidents.
My soul aches for your laughter;
The pain could swallow a horse
Now, and forevermore
I am yours.
The garden is overflowing
Teeming with life that isn't you
Growing alone, begging
For scraps of you
Your ridiculous eyebrows haunt me,
Like the brilliance of your insouciant smile
Every woman I see,
Just isn't you.
Rebecca is next in line
But I haven't changed my mind
Taylor calls and tickles my soul
Late at night, looking to jive
Carmen is dead to me,
But the pain is more alive than I am
Bella is the next best thing
I love her too, but she just isn't you
All of the Ashley's
Want something from me
Number three had my baby
Four years ago; she just told me
Maddie's Mom may be long gone
But she didn't leave me alone
Ashlynn was supposed to be extra
But all I wanted was Seattle
Where the fuck are you?
I'm bleeding here, pleading
Come home, baby, please -
I need you.
Blake (She's Not You)
I'll love you always
Until the day I die
And if you came home today
I'd stare into your eyes and say
My door is always open to you
Your side of the bed is still empty
Our spark may be gone
But I still believe
[Chorus]
What do I do?
Because she's not you
Yeah, yeah
She's not you
She's not you
And you know it's true
Your mistakes are my mistakes, and
If I'm honest I miss you somethin' fierce
But something's missin'
And it's always been
I've been searchin' for it
Ever since you left
And sometimes I think
You don't want me to find it
Can you forgive and forget?
[Chorus]
What do I do?
Because she's not you
Yeah, yeah
She's not you
She's not you
And you know it's true
Remind me what it's like
To feel love at first sight
Our baby girl changed my whole world
I'd wrangle her the moon if I could
And if you came home today
I'd stare into your eyes and say
I would promise you
We'll turn this old house into a home
[Chorus]
What do I do?
Because she's not you
Yeah, yeah
She's not you
She's not you
And you know it's true
You were the first to show me
What true love means, and
How much it hurts
But that precious baby girl
Makes it all worth going through
All of this dirt with you
And I hope you know
That I still love you, too
[Chorus]
What do I do?
Because she's not you
Yeah, yeah
She's not you
She's not you
And you know it's true
"Work"
Work is related to the spine,
Though I haven’t a clue as to why.
The fearless are your masters,
Taunting you to chase it too
That you must become them,
In order to be worthy
Of what you already have.
When are we?
Can you smell the blood
Of your fallen brethren
Beside you, and hear
The shots ringing above
You, in these trenches?
Do you feel the ground shake
With every mortar shell
Crashing around you?
Do the shrieks of death
Plague your ears as you march?
Has Germany yet fallen?
Is the Cold War still cold?
Has another World War yet begun?
Have we learned nothing?
Why do we still chase fear,
In the Land of the Free
And the Home of the Brave?
What work must be done
To our backs, in order
To live in such prosperity?
What is the purpose
Of fear?
Anarchy reigns in the underground
Which hides in plain sight,
Just beyond the veil
Translating thoughts,
Words and actions
Like a gum ball machine
Accepts pesky coins, and
Spits out a childish prize
Justifying thievery, adultery
Rape, murder and betrayal
Betraying all of human nature
Simply for an obtuse cultural anachronism
What is the nature of
Such schizophrenic principle?
What, I ask, does this
Have to do with work?
Why must you become
Someone other than
Who you already are,
To be considered at work?
Must one forfeit all that they are,
In order to work on one’s self?
If you cannot be,
How can you work?
If you are not meant to exist
As you are, how do you
Intend to build on quicksand?
What if you are not satisfied
Chasing, carving, chiseling
A carbon copy of
The cookie cutter laid at your feet?
Why this template?
For what reason have
The forces that be
Forced it upon you?
As if blindfolded, by
The very tie you wear
And told that there is
A light, at the end
Of the tunnel you are in
As if you are told
You cannot remove your new
Impediment, until you reach it
But have you tried?
Who is to say you are in
A tunnel at all?
Where are we?
Back on the beaches of Normandy,
Wishing to phone home?
Is Dorothy clicking her heels
On the yellow brick road?
Can you hear Alice,
Talking to the Mad Hatter?
Are you lying in the arms
Of the one you love,
As she holds you tighter
In the middle of the night
As she kisses you
In her sleep?
Where has she gone?
You may never know
And if you find her,
You must climb
Many new walls,
To battle all of the new secrets
She has acquired,
At work.
What are you working for?
Walls, and secrets of your own?
Or are you simply staying afloat
In waters out of your depth?
Chasing, running, hiding selfishness
Like land mines strewn
Across an open field
In the dark.
I ask again -
What does work, have to do
With the spine?
Ashley B
(High School, 2011)
I just wanted to say I'm sorry
I got the hint, but I ignored it
I didn't want to accept it, but
Last week I finally did -
Got hammered over it,
Woke up feeling like shit
I thought the whole world
Had ended
I'm not your type
I'm no sports star, and
I'm not ripped to shreds
So I tried to be someone else instead
You know, that guy so nice
That you can't help but like
But I still wasn't your type
I started going to the gym
Working out, five days a week
Chugging protein shakes
And eating tons of meat
I bought Calvin Klein cologne,
I asked for ProActiv as my
One christmas gift
To clear my face of every last zit
I could be the perfect boyfriend
But nobody knows it
Because of my shyness
I'm not very good at this,
Sending flirty text messages
But I hope you still get it
What I'm trying to say, is
That I like your shoes
You know, I noticed
Some thing about you..
Oh, no way -
You like that band, too?
I'm not sure why I can't just say
All this stuff, right to your face
It must be your smile
Those puffy pink lips
And pearly whites,
Your dreamy blue eyes or
Shinging blonde hair
You could stop a train in its tracks
And give me a heart attack
You stand out from the crowd,
You're Ms. Popular;
The world is in the palm of your hand
But you let it fall through your fingers
Like a fistful of sand
You're the most beautiful girl in school
But you're also kind, and funny too
You even go for coffee
With bums like me
You aren't superficial and vain
Like everyone else in the game
And that's what I like about you
But I've decided to stop hoping
So, I'm gonna go
And leave you alone,
Delete your number from my phone
I don't mean to stick around,
And overstay my welcome
I know when to make my exit
Because I know for sure
You're not interested
So I wish you luck
Because you deserve the best
And that just isn't me.