Some people punch walls. Some people fix cars. I write poetry.

Dead Batteries

Bequeathed comfortably 

Numb, ironic

Stabbing pain

Replaces all


Paralyzed still,

Anesthesia fails

Silently screaming - 

Awake during surgery


Moonlit Drowning

In the ocean I swam

You’re avoidant again

I pass the test but

Deny the satisfaction


My rocks refuse 

To be smoothed

By the relentless

Rage of ocean waves


Intemperance spent

Underwater swallows souls

I will not live

Without life


Teacher, Teacher

I’m just not gettin’

It, the message

Just isn’t settlin’

In, just tell me


I hate this game

I’m done guessin’

I quit, every day

Is the same old

Bullshit, and today I’m

Growing tired of it

My mind is an

Emotionless pit


All feelings locked

And boxed away

Shoved in a closet

To be sorted

Through someday

But not one more 

Piece of your shit

Is going to fit


Good luck making it

Stay shut when your

Look up from packing you

Slutty pain away when

The day comes and

The train catches up

To you because

I’m about to make

It rain paper,

Thanks to this 

Newfound imagination,

Sparked by your vindication


Between triangles and

Emotional volcanoes

I have enough ammo to

Blow more minds than

Cocks have been inside

Your dirty clown whore

Mouth, with nothing

But a pad and a pen


Fuck my reputation

You can have all of those

Old fake, and dusty friends

Dead weight, only in my way

I don't

I don’t want to feel alive

I don’t want to “communicate”

I don’t want strangers to know things about my life

I don’t want them to know who I am

I don’t want them to know I exist

I don’t know what homeless means, anymore

But I know I don’t want to think about it

I don’t want to be on tv

I don’t want to be in movies

I definitely don’t want to find myself in these things


I don’t want to drive

I don’t want to sleep

I don’t want to dream

I don’t want to need a team

I don’t want a house

I don’t want a place to live

I don’t want to make phone calls

I don’t want daily blowjobs

I don’t want to medicate

I don’t want to wear a mask

I refuse to wear one

And I don’t want anyone else to, either 

I don’t even want to know they exist 

I don’t want them to exist

I still don’t understand covid

And I don’t want to


I don’t want to think about things like babies, and babysitters

I don’t want to think about the cops, or robbers

Or rapists and murderers

I don’t want to watch the news

Or hear it, or talk about it

Or even hear about it

And I definitely don’t want to think about politics

I don’t care about being some veteran of war

I don’t fucking understand why there even is a war

I don’t have space in my brain, for this shit

And I don’t understand how anyone else does


I don’t understand how privacy doesn’t exist

I don’t give a shit about being fearless

I don’t know why anyone else does

I definitely don’t understand why the world just beats you, for no reason

And I never will

I don’t understand why people blindly follow this ungodly strange ritual

Never questioning the nature of their reality 

I don’t understand why people seem to think this is ok

Randomly cruel, for the sake of cruelty 

It’s beyond archaic, arbitrary and retarded

Performed by brainwashed zombies

Why on God’s green earth is this supposed to be some kind of normal?

Are you fucking kidding me?


I don’t want to walk into a room, and have anyone recognize me

Or know anything about me, unless I want them to

I do not want to be seen at all

I do not want attention, from anyone, ever

Unless it is invited

And I definitely do not want them to start talking about me

As if they know me, though we’ve never met

And yet somehow I know nothing about them

I always know absolutely nothing, about them


Completely one-sided interactions

Me, against the world

Of informed strangers, armed with nothing

I do not want to live in a world like this

And I don’t understand why anyone else does.

The Script

Who writes it? Where does it come from?

How is it distributed instantly, with Amazon Prime precision?

Materialized out of the mysterious ether of interconnectedness,

Faster than the internet, and all of the technology that we possess today

In camouflaged practice for decades prior to its existence

Yet, on hold with each passing stranger

As if buried in darkness, waiting for its queue to reveal itself

Every person you meet has been briefed

With details Facebook cannot provide,

Presumably from another stranger whom you have also never met

Shattering, and disgracefully obliterating the nature of intimacy

Shaming privacy like it’s fat cousin

As if this is to be expected 

As if this fact of life must be mindlessly accepted

That there is a script. That you are nothing but an actor in a movie, or tv show

Defining your very existence as a mere fraud for hire

Publicly.

Yet the real actors have the privilege of reading their writer’s work before accepting the job,

Begging the question of who is in control.

Pulling your strings. 

Writing your narrative, to perform as the vacuous slave that you are

I am confused as to whether this process is mistaken as leadership

With its inherent headaches dismissed as mere hurdles of progress

While the content and efficacy of your life is determined by someone unknown

Your path, lighted by look-a-likes and imposters

Attempting to recreate someone else’s original 

With their own unique spice.

But though their nuance is for sale, why are you buying?

Another anchor among the sea of smoke,

A generic amidst the pharmacy.

Is it desperation? Or have you ever even had a choice?

This fate determined for you, by whomever writes your script.

Ignorance may be bliss, but I want to know who is wearing God’s shoes.

Lucy

I don’t know why 

You think I’m scared

To go there, again 

With you or ever walk

Through that door you 

Keep leaving open

Where do you think I’ve been

Since you left?


Do you smell my cologne,

Behind your coattails?

Do you see my face,

Under your eyelids at night?

Has the perfect harmony

Of the disparate world 

You have created, been

Shattered by my passions, yet?


We’ve been here before

And once was enough for me

It breaks my heart

That you can’t see

Just how far away from you,

And how fast I ran

Because it means 

You accept what you’ve done to me


I bleed to know why

You would ever return 

To a place so cold

Again, and again 

I can’t conceive 

Life among this misery

That appears to be your home

A single glance was enough for me


I never saw this coming 

From the queen of self respect

Every tear I have shed

Is for how I pity you

And after all of these years

You invite me to stay?

You insult me

By mistaking my silence for absence 

The Worth of a Lie

Behind each door, destined

Are merely more 

Neglected questions,

Mocking memories

And haunting reflections.


Luxurious silk sheets

Now crawl with roaches

As misconceptions and

Missed perceptions burn


What was once

A sweet taste

Now replaced

With salt and blood


Conjured quicksand

Swallows sight

Of futures once

Beneath our feet,

Where hope and happiness used to be


If left alone,

Sleeping dogs cannot lie

Buying time to 

Salvage cherished memories.

Winter

Cold, distant and aloof

Is the energy I emanate

Emotionally drained

Against my will 

Paying the price

Of my gift


Puzzled faces assume

The worst of a

Fogged mirror

Unhinged focus is

Often misconstrued

As egotistical

Self indulgence;

An unfortunate toll

Of salt in the wound


For where self-center

Would be found,

Reality reveals

No center at all

Consumed by

Puzzled faces.


In its place lies the 

Exhausting high ground

Where all mirrors 

Are born stuck


Reserves exposed

Free for the taking

Self-preservation

Does not exist

Engulfed only in the

Reality of others


Fogged or broken 

Is no excuse

This mirror knows nothing else

Over, and Over again

You miss the train

Too blind, preoccupied 

Signaling for war

As I stand in the rain, 

Left wishing for more


I left the door open,

Hoping for a spark

Manipulations, instead

Scream through the dark

Candlelight ignites my trail

Of breadcrumbs, left to stale

I’m marching on, seeking

Sutures for my heart


I move left, 

You stay right

Wrong to assure me

We are alike 

Doubt

It appears if we work for anchors

To remember. To hold us down,

And chain our minds so they don’t float away, pleasant or not

Among clouds of smoke that exist only to abuse you.


What else would they be for? 

What other purpose does confusion serve?

Hiding, in the background lurks secrets

Just beyond the veil, as primitive minds fight for power over others

It is power for the sake of power, for fame, attention and what is ironically confused as love


Philanthropy is the market for love, and yet we buy cars and trucks and toys

We place values with a dollar sign next to them on human lives

Or, at least, pieces of them.

Pieces of their time, their affection, and their bodies

Do we honestly believe that we can “buy” a piece of their soul?


Intimacy can only be won. Neither power, nor money can buy it

Empty treasures produce empty pleasures, and I’ve seen where that road ends.

So why is it that every sign points in that direction?

Right from the start. Does anyone ever question?

What if your entire life wasted away, before your eyes

Simply from a case of bad directions?


Floods of egotistical self indulgence keep us distracted

As all that matters is stolen, or desecrated behind the scenes

We are told to play

To play pretend. To pretend that this isn’t happening, just beyond the veil

We are told to fight, that the truth of your misfortune is some demon that plagues you

That you need strength, and blind courage to succeed -

In what, exactly?


What if?

What if the hero myth of society is but a cancer?

What if bad directions must be exorcized from the body, 

Burned, dissolved and eradicated by chemical poison?

What if playing pretend is feeding the parasite living inside us?

Wouldn’t you want to murder the person who told you to play 

For stealing your life? Your time, energy and investment lost

Trash is all you have to show for the lines on your face

And the years you cannot get back

Can anyone honestly say

That this is not abuse?

Why do I need anchors?

Right. Because of the smoke. But why is there smoke?

Breadcrumbs and Big Guns

Over, and over again

You miss the train

As I crack the window,

Leaving the station

And dropping breadcrumbs 

In my wake.


Reduced to this,

Forced to live

In a useless warzone

That doesn’t need to exist


You make triangles

While I die inside

Digesting your questions

Black, too scared to ask

It’s your own insecurities

That are killing me

The Lonely and the Tramp

Torn between the sheets,

And potential versions of me

Tortured and free,

In waves and

The odd twinge

Of unchained misery


Light as a feather - 

A vagrant, meandering

In the breeze

Until night falls,

Shining light behind

Bare and lonely

Stone walls 


Crushed by the weight

Of the very dirt

Upon which, my

Congenial pain

Will sprout the 

Opportunistic wings

Taunting me with

Future memories.

Last Night

Last night I saw your face

Numb to all of the pain...

God, you’re so fucking vain -

You weren’t always this way

What happened to you, love?

What happened to our love

Or should I say your creation 

Because none of this was my makin’

It was always you,

Behind the wheel

Watching as I

Chased your heels...

I thought about it today -

What’s changed?

Since you left,

I’m not the same


If I’m honest, I don’t 

Wanna talk about it,

Things are worse now

Than they were before

I’ve got big plans

But nothing more

To show for what

You gave to me,

Save for a major

List of failures and

I’m drowning in opportunity 

That I keep wastin’ away,

I’ve pushed everyone away

That you didn’t take

In the break-up and

I can’t even count the

Amount of people I’ve let down


I never cared about

Makin’ anyone proud,

I still don’t know how 

And everyone I know 

Thinks I’m crazy

For even still 

Thinking about you,

But I can’t help it -

It feels like I’m

Stuck in purgatory,

Caged by things like

Fake pregnancy

And arbitrarily bound 

By drugs and society,

Masked in “class” and

Everyday I’m sad, 

Offered and sold

On things I don’t want

By people that don’t matter


Where are all of the

People that matter?

Kids, money and cake

Is all I see on

Everyone else’s plate

I miss the old days

When my life had a purpose,

Before you ripped us

Apart, stomped on my heart -

You took everything..

My wallet, my business,

My credit, the house,

Even my family and friends

When you sold that Benz


All I do is work 

And sleep,

Getting nowhere but

Rolling in the deep and

Once again, I’m 

Lookin for happiness

And a sweet release

From the bottom 

Of a bottle


It’s a false escape 

But isn’t it normal to

Want to numb yourself

When you’re in pain?

Every day the more

I learn, the less 

I know and the

More jealous I grow


I don’t care who

Your boo is,

That’s not what I want,

I’m jealous of you and

I’m jealous of all the kids

With better parents, and

Heads full of knowledge,

From countless colleges

And years of experience

With things I can’t

Even conceive,

Endlessly deceived

By people and

My own mind, 

Things like clowns 

Pounding mirrors, and

Blowing smoke up

To nowhere fast,

And I’m runnin’

Out of gas to

Remain patient,

Caught up and played

By systems in 

Such disarray

That I hate,

So full of disdain

At the way

I’m the only one

With nothing to gain

Innocence Lost

Heart shattered,

Shards scattered

Pieces missing,

Innocence lost.


Infallible numbness

Unhinged focus

Anger, caged - 

Revenge based.


Soul searching,

Heart shaped.

Naked touch;

Spark, dull.


Depressive habits - 

Self destructive.

Inspiration found:

Again, let down.


Void returned;

Comforts murmured

Disingenuine desires,

Innocence lost.

Mirrors

Don’t touch my mirrors

I make them for you

Pieces of me,

Dead if I lose


They take the pain away

And when they break

All of the old

Pain gets erased


I’ve done this before

A master of glass

Nearly thirty years

Experience, dreaming

Of building you 

A castle

Worthy of its queen


But the price I pay

Is remembering

Whether or not

You think I’m

Good enough

Beauty and the Creep

Breathing fire like

The dragon lying

Under your bed

I just woke up

To make you throw up

All that caked-up

Makeup that’s got you

All slutted up with lies - 

Drowning blind in your

Sea of Daddy issues,

Piling higher than

The Eiffel Tower

Pounding you from 

Either side of

The candle that you

Burn from both ends

To no end

Only to end 

Up, empty inside

Holding up a sign

And an empty cup

Begging on the streets

For the ounce of understanding

And spare change you never found -


Between the sheets.

Stefannie True

Stef, can you hear me?

Feel my heart beating

I yearn for your touch,

I'm craving your love

Sunkissed skin, like heroin

Drowning in wistful desire

For your orange hair,

And happy accidents.

My soul aches for your laughter;

The pain could swallow a horse

Now, and forevermore

I am yours.


The garden is overflowing

Teeming with life that isn't you

Growing alone, begging

For scraps of you

Your ridiculous eyebrows haunt me,

Like the brilliance of your insouciant smile

Every woman I see,

Just isn't you.


Rebecca is next in line

But I haven't changed my mind

Taylor calls and tickles my soul

Late at night, looking to jive

Carmen is dead to me,

But the pain is more alive than I am

Bella is the next best thing

I love her too, but she just isn't you


All of the Ashley's

Want something from me

Number three had my baby

Four years ago; she just told me

Maddie's Mom may be long gone

But she didn't leave me alone

Ashlynn was supposed to be extra

But all I wanted was Seattle


Where the fuck are you?

I'm bleeding here, pleading

Come home, baby, please - 

I need you.

Blake (She's Not You)


I'll love you always

Until the day I die

And if you came home today

I'd stare into your eyes and say

My door is always open to you

Your side of the bed is still empty

Our spark may be gone

But I still believe


[Chorus]

What do I do?

Because she's not you

Yeah, yeah

She's not you

She's not you

And you know it's true


Your mistakes are my mistakes, and

If I'm honest I miss you somethin' fierce

But something's missin' 

And it's always been

I've been searchin' for it

Ever since you left

And sometimes I think

You don't want me to find it


Can you forgive and forget?


[Chorus]

What do I do?

Because she's not you

Yeah, yeah

She's not you

She's not you

And you know it's true


Remind me what it's like

To feel love at first sight

Our baby girl changed my whole world

I'd wrangle her the moon if I could

And if you came home today

I'd stare into your eyes and say

I would promise you

We'll turn this old house into a home


[Chorus]

What do I do?

Because she's not you

Yeah, yeah

She's not you

She's not you

And you know it's true


You were the first to show me

What true love means, and

How much it hurts

But that precious baby girl

Makes it all worth going through

All of this dirt with you

And I hope you know

That I still love you, too


[Chorus]

What do I do?

Because she's not you

Yeah, yeah

She's not you

She's not you

And you know it's true

"Work"

Work is related to the spine,

Though I haven’t a clue as to why.

The fearless are your masters,

Taunting you to chase it too

That you must become them,

In order to be worthy

Of what you already have.


When are we?

Can you smell the blood

Of your fallen brethren

Beside you, and hear 

The shots ringing above 

You, in these trenches?

Do you feel the ground shake

With every mortar shell

Crashing around you?

Do the shrieks of death

Plague your ears as you march?


Has Germany yet fallen?

Is the Cold War still cold?

Has another World War yet begun?

Have we learned nothing?

Why do we still chase fear,

In the Land of the Free

And the Home of the Brave?

What work must be done 

To our backs, in order

To live in such prosperity?

What is the purpose 

Of fear?


Anarchy reigns in the underground 

Which hides in plain sight,

Just beyond the veil

Translating thoughts,

Words and actions 

Like a gum ball machine

Accepts pesky coins, and 

Spits out a childish prize

Justifying thievery, adultery

Rape, murder and betrayal 

Betraying all of human nature

Simply for an obtuse cultural anachronism 


What is the nature of

Such schizophrenic principle?

What, I ask, does this

Have to do with work?

Why must you become 

Someone other than 

Who you already are,

To be considered at work?

Must one forfeit all that they are,

In order to work on one’s self?

If you cannot be, 

How can you work?

If you are not meant to exist 

As you are, how do you

Intend to build on quicksand?

What if you are not satisfied 

Chasing, carving, chiseling 

A carbon copy of 

The cookie cutter laid at your feet?


Why this template?

For what reason have

The forces that be

Forced it upon you?

As if blindfolded, by

The very tie you wear

And told that there is

A light, at the end

Of the tunnel you are in

As if you are told 

You cannot remove your new 

Impediment, until you reach it

But have you tried?

Who is to say you are in

A tunnel at all?


Where are we?

Back on the beaches of Normandy, 

Wishing to phone home?

Is Dorothy clicking her heels 

On the yellow brick road?

Can you hear Alice,

Talking to the Mad Hatter?

Are you lying in the arms

Of the one you love,

As she holds you tighter

In the middle of the night

As she kisses you

In her sleep?


Where has she gone?

You may never know 

And if you find her,

You must climb 

Many new walls,

To battle all of the new secrets

She has acquired,

At work.


What are you working for?

Walls, and secrets of your own?

Or are you simply staying afloat

In waters out of your depth?

Chasing, running, hiding selfishness 

Like land mines strewn

Across an open field 

In the dark.


I ask again -

What does work, have to do

With the spine?

Ashley B 

(High School, 2011)



I just wanted to say I'm sorry

I got the hint, but I ignored it

I didn't want to accept it, but

Last week I finally did -

Got hammered over it,

Woke up feeling like shit

I thought the whole world 

Had ended


I'm not your type

I'm no sports star, and

I'm not ripped to shreds

So I tried to be someone else instead

You know, that guy so nice

That you can't help but like

But I still wasn't your type


I started going to the gym

Working out, five days a week

Chugging protein shakes

And eating tons of meat

I bought Calvin Klein cologne,

I asked for ProActiv as my

One christmas gift 

To clear my face of every last zit

I could be the perfect boyfriend

But nobody knows it

Because of my shyness


I'm not very good at this,

Sending flirty text messages

But I hope you still get it

What I'm trying to say,  is

That I like your shoes

You know,  I noticed 

Some thing about you..

Oh, no way - 

You like that band, too?


I'm not sure why I can't just say

All this stuff, right to your face

It must be your smile

Those puffy pink lips

And pearly whites,

Your dreamy blue eyes or

Shinging blonde hair

You could stop a train in its tracks

And give me a heart attack


You stand out from the crowd,

You're Ms. Popular;

The world is in the palm of your hand

But you let it fall through your fingers

Like a fistful of sand

You're the most beautiful girl in school

But you're also kind, and funny too

You even go for coffee 

With bums like me

You aren't superficial and vain

Like everyone else in the game

And that's what I like about you


But I've decided to stop hoping

So, I'm gonna go

And leave you alone,

Delete your number from my phone

I don't mean to stick around,

And overstay my welcome 

I know when to make my exit

Because I know for sure 

You're not interested

So I wish you luck

Because you deserve the best

And that just isn't me.