Can you save my life?
Dr. Moran | Mclean Hospital
Reaching Out
August 20th, 2022
I am planning to take my own life within the next 1-2 years. I have been suffering from treatment resistant depression my entire life. The first memory that I have, is of wanting to commit suicide. I was five years old, lying in bed at night and instead of falling asleep, I was fantasizing about stabbing myself in the chest with a large knife from the kitchen. Why? Because I needed the pain to stop. At any cost.
I was five. I am currently 28, and I believe that I suffer from psychotic depression; I have been “officially” diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder by a psychiatrist at my local community mental health center. I have tried:
Venlafaxine
Fluoxetine
Bupropion
Mirtazapine
Trazodone
Ambien
Risperidone
Quetiapine
Sodium valproate
Olanzapine
Aripiprazol
With NO RELIEF from my depression, and suicidal ideation, thoughts, and plans, including both my last attempt, and the future attempt that I am planning now. These are my symptoms:
Dopaminergic symptoms:
Anhedonia
Poor concentration and memory
Amotivation
Absent libido
Trouble sleeping
Forgetfulness
Impulsiveness
Lack of organizational skill
Sometimes problems with anger
Problems managing daily tasks
Difficulty solving simple thinking problems
Depressive symptoms
Tired
Decreased appetite
Severely depressed
Suicidal ideation
Suicidal thoughts
Suicide attempt(s)
Social withdrawal
Reduced emotions
Low self esteem
There is only one drug that I have found that has any effect whatsoever on my mental state: stimulants. Stimulants MELT my depression away, instantly. I feel completely cured, and every single one of my symptoms disappear. When I take Adderall, I want to live.
Without it… I’m planning my suicide. It’s that bad, and no one will listen to me - especially my mother, who hates Adderall and tries to tell me that I’m addicted to it because it helps me so much. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I’ve been taking Adderall for nine years, since I was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder, primarily inattentive at the age of nineteen. If not for Adderall, I would have been dead almost ten years ago. I will be dead, soon if I don’t find a doctor that actually gives a shit about their patients and knows how to listen, and treat people like human beings. I will be dead soon if I can’t find a doctor with the stones to challenge the horrible, torturous stigma around prescribing stimulants to a patient who has ever, in their life experienced psychotic symptoms. I need you.
Please, please respond. Please see me. If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s this: I don’t beg. For anything, ever. But I’m begging you; please save my life.
-Connor
Addendum
August 20th, 2022
Please understand that I am perfectly open to all treatment options, including ECT, ketamine, and anything else that you can throw at me. I don’t want you to get the wrong impression; it does not matter to me how the pain goes away, I don’t care. I will gladly do it, regardless of what that is.
Stimulants are merely the first and only relief that I have ever found. If you can treat me with something else, like ECT where I don’t depend on a medication to feel better, I would prefer that option. I truly hate, with a fiery burning passion the position that I am in, and I need help. And if I don’t get it, I won’t survive.
Please understand that is the other side of this equation. If a treatment is “risky”, or experimental, or even downright harmful I will laugh at at the obligatory “warning speech”. I don’t care if treatment lands me back in the hospital. I don’t care if it kills me.
I don’t want to die. But I cannot, and I will not live like this. Please consider taking me on as your patient; you will be hard-pressed to find anyone as grateful as myself for your time.
Thank you again, for reading my correspondence. With hope, for the first time and sincerely yours,
-Connor
After the Phone Call
August 24th, 2022
Thank you again, so much! It’s truly a pleasure to speak to a professional like you, who proves that quality care isn’t dead. I hope I didn’t offend you, I apologize if I was dismissive on the phone; I just genuinely wanted to thank you! Actually, I was thoroughly enjoying our conversation.
I would love to hear from you again, anytime - I’m very interested in your research. Thank you for all that you do. I have the utmost respect for doctors like you. It must be quite a privilege, to have you. Your patients are very, very lucky.
And, if at any point in time, you are able to take me on as a patient, I would be over the moon to see you. Or anyone, from your hospital, if you accept my insurance. I’ll call them now, and ask about that. I have Martin’s Point Generations Advantage. I would also be more than happy to participate in any of your research, if possible!
Respectfully,
-Connor
Physical Assault at Portsmouth Regional Hospital
Chelsea | Senator Maggie Hassan's Office
Response to My Voicemail
July 20th, 2022
Good morning Mr. Issa,
Thank you for contacting Senator Maggie Hassan’s office regarding an assault at Portsmouth Regional Hospital. I’m so sorry to hear about this difficult situation.
A review of your concerns indicates that the situation is not under our jurisdiction as the office of a federal legislator. As a Congressional office, we are able to facilitate the processes involved in a federally-related case or request a review of concerns by a federal agency, but we are not able to intervene in legal matters, offer legal advice, or recommend an attorney.
Any report of a potential crime should be reported to the local police department. For your convenience, I have included the contact information for the Portsmouth Police Department below.
Portsmouth Police Department
Email: PPDinfo@cityofportsmouth.com
Phone: (603) 427-1500
Fax: (603) 427-1510
I hope that information is helpful. Please let us know if you have any federally-related questions or concerns.
All my best,
Chelsea
My Late Response
September 20th, 2022
Good evening, Chelsea.
How gravely disappointing. I was under the impression that Senator Hassan was an advocate for people with disabilities, and a lawyer practicing labor and employment law for twenty five years. Why did I think that her own son, Ben fueled her fire to become a public servant and shaped her political perspective? Was I watching a different tv ad than her very own campaign purporting personal familiarity with the medical industry, where she promised to fight for New Hampshire?
Forgive me if I find it hard to believe that Ben’s mother is nothing but powerless when it comes to protecting our most vulnerable. I can’t for even a moment imagine that if she came home to see her disabled son’s neck completely covered in bruises from being choked nearly unconscious, only to discover that the very caretaker she pays out of her own pocket, who is responsible for his wellbeing enjoys sick, and twisted pleasure from torturing the innocent and helpless that she would simply throw her hands up and say: “well, it’s not federal. That’s someone else’s job.”
No. Her teeth would come flying out so fast that heads would be spinning before you can say “senator”. I think, and this is just a well educated guess here, that after spending three decades sharpening her skills in the arena of law that it just might make her skin crawl to realize just how little bullying has changed since the playground days. Mohammed feels like a real big man when he terrorizes someone that he knows can’t fight back; someone like Ben.
I think, that after spending twenty five years laying down the law in labor and employment, she would be every last tidbit as tickled as I am about the fact that Mohammed still has a job. If she’s anything at all like me, she might begin to wonder what exactly the going rate is for a monkey with a basic superiority complex, and if they ever try picking on anyone their own size. That’s if she can manage not to get distracted by how many tens of thousands of dollars were paid to Portsmouth Regional Hospital for “medical care”, without ever seeing a single doctor. Or the genius whose idea it was to conveniently install cameras that don’t record in the only area of the hospital where constant and uninterrupted monitoring is a requirement for every patient. That’s what we pay Mohammed for; on paper, at least. The secret beatings are just a bonus.
No. If this were her son, that senator’s seat would mean something. If this were her son, who has no voice of his own, you expect me to believe that hers would not be ringing in the ears of that hospital? Of the incredibly good-looking police officer, who works with Mohammed on occasion and possesses absolutely zero interest in doing his job to protect and serve? What about the disability rights center, with all of their good intentions but who are simply too short staffed to do their jobs? I’ve spoken until turning blue in the face. The difference is, no one listens when I speak.
As long as this developmentally challenged child, trapped in the body of a short, middle-aged bodybuilder is still getting paid to physically assault innocent victims a quarter of his size every time you have to remind him to do his job, my mouth will not shut. When the same person who just tackled you to the ground and painfully pinned you into compliance as he throws you around like a rag doll is also responsible for feeding you, or granting you access to things like the use of a telephone in order to call the police on your medical staff, don’t expect to eat. Starving you is just another way to punish you, and expecting anyone do their damn job in this day and age is just naive. Don’t worry, though - as soon as Mohammed is done making you feel small, he’s going to call a code. Any moment now, ten or more nurses will surround your bed armed with a lecture about how upset you are, and how badly you need to “calm down”. Your mental illness is requiring them to inject you with sedatives until you can barely keep your eyes open, much less speak. That’s what the kids are calling it now, when you don’t like being abused: mental illness. No wonder they still have no clue what’s wrong with me, huh?
If you’re lucky, by the time you wake up, the monkey will be gone. The kitchen will surely be closed, but if you ask nicely, there’s a very dry and bland turkey sandwich in it for you. No mayonnaise, though. Now, if you want to talk to someone before the monkey comes back - like the patient advocate, for example - you’re asking too much. In fact, you still just don’t get it; you’re still thinking that, just because you’re in a hospital, or the fact that you’re getting charged more than $3,000 per day means that you’re going to get help.
How funny. I can’t even get my own senator’s attention. Well, if you know any other supposed “advocates”, I could use one. I’m the same age as Ben, and I’m disabled too. I suppose I could waste my breath all over again, somewhere else. It’s not like I can afford a lawyer, when I define the poverty level so thankfully I don’t want money. But I do want justice. And if Maggie Hassan can’t help me? Don’t look so surprised when I say this is why I don’t vote. Nothing ever changes. And if even my state senators can’t handle making change? I don’t know why they even bother showing up to work. Silly me; I thought that was their job.