Notes

1. I am dying, and nothing can change that fact

2. I had hopes to live for decades more

3. I love my family, but I don't want to live without Tifannie and what she is/represents/offers/is a figure of/. That larger than life, love that spans multiple lifetimes. Remember, this is not about a person, or a body, but a soul. This connection is spiritual and divine, to something so much more than just a woman that I knew. I know it in my bones, and in my soul, and I don't have a single shred of doubt. God placed her in my life for a very specific reason, which he has coveted and left me with only broken pieces of that are supposed to look like answers. After the things that I have seen, and felt and especially after embarking on this incredible journey with music, I can safely say without a shadow of a doubt that when God revealed himself to me, Tifannie Truman was made for me. And I was made into who, and what I am because of her. Mama, too (Jessica Mendes, the real life Lola Montez). But something went wrong, because something is wrong. That's why we were put on this earth, to be the exact people that we are, and that purpose runs so much deeper than any single human life could possibly accept responsibility for. I don't give a flying fuck who sees, or who hears and laughs, or thinks I'm insane. Tifannie Gail Truman is the love of my life, and always will be - even in death. And if I can't have her? Then, I'm all set, with dating. Thanks anyway, life. I'll be over in Amsterdam or Australia, with Mama Montez. Tifannie knows where to find me.

4. The progression of my disease is forcing me to choose between torture, and an end. I'm not tired of living, I'm tired of the disease. And I would very much like to continue living. But that isn't an option, for me. And even if it were, then we would have to contend with my teeth. I've lost enough daily function already, in my life. I am in no way, shape or form going to extend the hell of my everyday life to include drinking all of my meals through a straw. If there is one thing that I absolutely refuse to allow this life of suffering and pain to steal from me any longer it is my dignity, even if that means in death. And the very next thing on that list, short of losing my penis is my ability to enjoy food on a daily basis. Ain't no way, no how. I have an expiration date, living inside of my mouth and I am well aware. I've made peace with it.

5. I have two choices: death, or fear. Fear of death, resulting in pain, and inflicting suffering on my family. And then death. When you put it like that, suddenly the decision isn't so hard. After all, it's only a matter of time.

6. I've experienced enough seriously heavy shit in my life to say, you know what, I'm good with that. Sure, there is... just, so much more that I would like the opportunity to see, and do. But either way? I'm ready for what's next.

7. I'm doing something that is not my first choice, if I had other options. But I don't.

8. As long as abortion is legal, physician assisted suicide needs to be legal. It's my body. Yet, if I attempt to take my life on my own and fail, I get arrested, locked up and reprogrammed because something must be fundamentally wrong with me, that needs to be fixed. Maybe there's something fundamentally wrong with killing babies. Maybe we should fix that.